Depression:
Living in the Shadows
By K. Leslie
Graves, December 30, 2012
It is the novelist in me that takes refuge in
writing about depression. To with as I
begin this work I feel that I instantly understand what it took to produce the
great works, more specifically, the classics beyond the ability of this writer
and beyond the measure of this work. The
mere utterance of that, more specifically being among those who sought the
write as “their measure” feels good and gives me a felt sense of belonging although
this work may be among the millions of works that never see the light of
day. No matter, the fire is lit. I have written twelve novels and I
feel keenly able to try to write this as a discussion of depression.
Appearances,
when they are deceiving
When the
accomplished demonstrate their work, whether it be music or literary form, it
is the shadow of the creator that is being seen, not the creator, nor the
creative process itself. The creative
process is elusive, invisible, unknown.
Writing that talks about the creative process is not “the process itself,”
but is merely its description even if it is the writer himself or herself
writing about his or her work. The work
is knowable, seeable and can be held. The
process by which “the work” is done is not.
In my view the work occurs in the darkness of oneself, unknowable to
others and unseen despite its efforts. For those who are able to reach down into
themselves and successfully show what is inside, they enjoy the celebrity and
in some cases, the riches that come with celebrity. “Celebrity,” is rightfully bestowed on those “who
take you somewhere” in their work and whose work becomes known. The ability to take the reader or the
listener “somewhere” I feel is simply the appearance of some aspect of the
measure of the creator. To wit, the
most robust of pieces of music may come from the least comfortable amongst
others, the shy and those that are in fact, alone. The deception is not intentional. The appearance of this or that ability is a
true measure of the creator but is neither the process nor the creator themselves.
When you
feel you cannot be yourself and no one knows
When you
feel you cannot show yourself, less you be scorned, it is depressing, but not
knowing oneself is not the same as not being able to show oneself. In both cases, one can feel depressed,
wounded and dejected. No doubt it is
better to have a sense of oneself whether that self be known to others or not
than to neither be known and to not know one self. In the first instance one can pursue avenues
to seek fulfillment. In the second
instance one may feel lost. This may be the deepest kind of depression. Fortunately,
today the Internet facilitates our search for others like ourselves, and can also
stimulate interest in activity that was not previously known. Even membership in a community of depressed
people begets a sense of belonging and for many may be the cure they need. For others who know themselves who are not able
to show themselves to others either by bad luck or circumstances, this is the
deepest part of hell. It is the book,
unread, the pastry not tasted, the music unheard, the ballet not performed.
When you are
lonely
It can cause
increased sadness to see others happy. This sounds selfish at first but actually it
is the expression of admiring a quality which the depressed person lacks, that
causes the feelings of increased sadness, increased bitterness. In many of these cases the lonely person
tries to be unseen, stay alone so as not to be discovered. The lack of the quality or ability to meet
people and engage and sustain friends, this is the province of the lonely and
the depressed. Whether you are able to
find and express your creativity is irrelevant to feeling alone. This would seem a contradiction, if that
creativity brings celebrity and riches.
Ask the celebrity or ask the rich person if they do not, still, feel
alone. Ask many people who are successful
and I suspect you will find the same result.
You can feel lonely on a crowd.
When you are
neglected and abused
Although
there are services for children, for women and the elderly who, it is
discovered have been neglected or abused, far many more go without treatment
than do. This cause of depression can be
the most insidious and the most harmful.
Being able to reach out to someone or some service that is outside of
the depressed and abused persons’ circle appears paramount. The healing cannot begin until the extent of
the injury is reached, explored and known.
Once known, the process of healing may be life-long but the process is
the most important thing, as all results are relative.
When you
feel you don’t belong
The activity
of your cultural or demographic group may disinterest you. If you are able to find activity outside of
your immediate environment it might help.
However felling like one belongs or one does not belong is
relative. Even if you have found
supports or others who share your interests the fact that they are not of your
immediate socio-demographic sustains your sense of not belonging. Those suffering depression who fit this
criteria suffer, and often silently. The
ability to have ones sense of self reinforced by oneself actual peer group rather
than ones socio-demographic group is helpful especially if one feels a sense of
increasing belong to the group outside of one’s natural purview.
When you
feel shame or inadequacy
The
depression brought about by self loathing, can be the most dangerous. When accompanied by loneliness, this group
appears to me to be among the most capable of self-injurious behavior. That shame or inadequacy can be generated by
others but has to be internalized in order to become the root of
self-harm.
It is most
important in recovery that process be emphasized over product. We are not toys that can be fixed, but
rather we are dynamic entities that can continue to improve.
